


what if's (and you)

by babyweis



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Age Difference, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Light Angst, M/M, for some parts, kind of a growing up/coming of age story but not really, minhyuk is just confused honestly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-05
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-07-07 10:17:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15906264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babyweis/pseuds/babyweis
Summary: Everyone has used-to-be's,but Minhyuk only has could-have-been's.Or, the five people that Minhyuk almost loved, and the one he really did





	what if's (and you)

i.

Minhyuk is fifteen and visiting a classmate's house for a school project. Hyunwoo is eighteen and the said classmate's older brother.

They only share a few words while greeting each other and then Minhyuk gets dragged to his classmate's own room, where they spend most of the time playing video games and debating on whether pineapple belongs on pizza or not instead of doing the actual project. And Minhyuk might ask some unnecessary questions about Hyunwoo in between, and only shuts up when his classmate tells him that Hyunwoo has a girlfriend and is "probably only into girls, anyway".

They share only a few words, and Hyunwoo has a girlfriend, but the next time they happen to see each other in an arcade, both of them hanging out with their own friends, Hyunwoo smiles at him and tells him hi.

Minhyuk blushes and barely manages to greet him back before he's already passed by. His friends gush loudly about him knowing an older boy, buzzing around him like a bunch of insects, but he barely hears them as he's busy staring after Hyunwoo.

Later that night he lies fully awake on his bed for hours, giggling to himself and dashing around in his sheets until he accidentally tears a hole on his blanket and his little brother bangs at the wall separating their rooms to tell him to shut up and go to sleep already. Minhyuk yells at him through the wall and wakes his parents in the process, both of them storming into his room because "Jesus, Minhyuk, it's two in the morning".

Minhyuk apologizes with a frown on his face and imagines there are strong arms hugging him as he falls asleep.

Hyunwoo got a scholarship into a university in a foreign country, his classmate tells him a few weeks later. Minhyuk never meets Hyunwoo for the third time before he leaves.

Maybe, had they met for the third time, Hyunwoo would have become Minhyuk's first used-to-be-something. But he doesn't, and Minhyuk doesn't really think much about it until one night when he's a lot older and feeling lonely.

  
ii.

Minhyuk is seventeen when his family moves to another city and he has to go to a new school. He does miss his old friends and the old house, but he's good at making new friends and the new house is pretty nice and quite a lot bigger, so he manages.

"You can take a seat next to Kihyun," the teacher tells him on his first day of school. Minhyuk nods with a smile and plops down onto the seat next to the boy who raises his hand.

Kihyun has sharp eyes and a neat uniform that looks like it's been ironed just five minutes ago. He smiles at Minhyuk as he introduces himself, and without blinking an eye, tells him that he'll strangle Minhyuk if he doesn't stay quiet during class. Minhyuk promises he will.

And at first he does. However, he starts breaking his promise more often than not as the school year passes by. Kihyun never really strangles him, but he does kick him in the shin so hard the teacher actually makes Minhyuk go see the school nurse.

Regardless, they always sit together at lunch and do all the pair projects together. Kihyun introduces Minhyuk to his friends and sometimes they all hang out together after school. Kihyun bakes Minhyuk a whole cake for his birthday and Minhyuk, who has approximately zero skills in the kitchen, buys Kihyun an oversized sweater that he swears looks super cute on him. Kihyun hits him and tells him not to call him cute ever again.

One day Minhyuk's little brother asks him if Kihyun is his boyfriend. Minhyuk laughs, water bursting through his nose as he snorts. Him and Kihyun? Boyfriends? "Are you kidding me," he asks. He tells about it to Kihyun the next day at school. Kihyun laughs, but somehow it sounds forced. Minhyuk pretends he doesn't notice.

It's five months later that the two of them get drunk together at a mutual friend's birthday party. Kihyun says that he wants to talk about something with Minhyuk, in private. They end up in a closet, shoulders pressed together, because every other room in the apartment is full of people. Kihyun says he met a guy a few weeks ago, that they get along very well. That he likes him. Minhyuk is giggling, cooing at the way Kihyun blushes as he speaks about the guy, and Kihyun elbows him in the ribcage.

"I used to like you," Kihyun slurs then. Minhyuk can't remember what he responded, or if he even said anything at all. However, he thinks about that a lot for the following days. Still does.

  
iii.

Minhyuk is nineteen and just graduated. Hoseok is twenty and just broke up with Kihyun.

Minhyuk doesn't know if he should follow the rule of not sleeping with your friend's ex. He hasn't really talked about things like that with Kihyun. He feels like the two of them don't really talk about anything anymore. On top of that, Kihyun is going to move away to study in Seoul and Minhyuk is staying home, attending a local university. He doesn't even know if they are friends anymore.

It's sad, he thinks. Kihyun makes him sad. And Kihyun makes Hoseok sad, as well. Maybe that's why the end up in a weird game of push and pull until Hoseok pulls too hard and Minhyuk ends up falling into his arms.

Maybe nineteen is a late age to lose your virginity in. At least according to Minhyuk's friends it is. And it's definitely weird to lose your virginity to the man who used to date your ex-best friend. Or at least it should be, Minhyuk thinks.

For some reason, nothing about Hoseok feels weird or strange. Minhyuk never really got to know him when he was dating Kihyun, so they're not even friends. Hoseok is more of a stranger to him than anything. Minhyuk doesn't know why he feels so comfortable in his company.

Maybe Hoseok is just that kind of a person. Maybe that's why Kihyun fell in love with him.

In the morning, Minhyuk asks Hoseok if he's still in love with Kihyun. Hoseok smiles at him, sadly, and tells Minhyuk to eat his breakfast. Minhyuk doesn't understand. He doesn't, because he's never been in love with someone.

However, as Hoseok ruffles his hair when he walks past him, he thinks for a moment that it would be nice to be in love with Hoseok. He wonders why Kihyun broke up with him. He wonders why Kihyun would ever want to make a person like Hoseok sad.

When it's time for Minhyuk to leave Hoseok's tiny apartment, he doesn't dare to ask for his number. What he does, though, is leaving his jacket in there _by accident_ in hopes that Hoseok would seek for him to return it.

It works. The day after Minhyuk's father calls for him from downstairs and tells him that he has a visitor. Minhyuk almost trips over his own feet as he rushes out of his room and down the stairs.

Hoseok smiles at him when they meet at the door. "Cute pajamas," he says. Minhyuk blushes. He takes the jacket and thanks Hoseok for bringing it over. He doesn't have the guts to ask if Hoseok wants to come inside and stay for a while, so they say their goodbye's and Minhyuk watches through the front door's window as Hoseok walks to his car and leaves.

His parents and brother attack him with questions the second he steps his foot in the living room afterwards. He laughs awkwardly and tells them that Hoseok is just a friend.

After a few weeks Minhyuk kind of forgets about it, and spends the rest of the summer doing other things. He only thinks about Hoseok again the day before his lessons start, because only then it hits him that Hoseok goes to the same uni as he does.

They don't share any lessons, but they do see each other around in the hallways. The most they do is smile at each other from afar. Minhyuk tells himself he doesn't care.

Only years later does he admit to himself that he kind of did care.

  
iv.

Minhyuk is twenty-one when he moves away from home to a new apartment. It's closer to university than his parents' house is, and it feels nice to be a little independent, even if the place isn't completely his own.

Jooheon is twenty and a son of Minhyuk's mother's co-worker. He's graduated from high school but didn't continue with his studies after that. Most of the time, he's locked himself in his room while working on his music. He always pays his part of the rent in time every time though, so Minhyuk isn't complaining.

Sometimes he wishes Jooheon would come out of his room and spend some time with him - properly, instead of just a few words shared over dinner. He doesn't know how to talk about that, though, so he tries just focusing on his studies and part-time job instead.

They've been living together for three months when Minhyuk finally combusts and storms into Jooheon's room uninvited. "Let me hear your music," he says.

He's half-expecting Jooheon to just yell at his face and then kick him out his room. He doesn't do that, though. Instead, he sighs, and then beckons Minhyuk over. Minhyuk does as he's told, and Jooheon gives him his headphones.

"That was amazing," Minhyuk says, and means it. "I didn't know you were that good."

Jooheon smiles at him, the most genuine Minhyuk has seen him. His dimples are cute, Minhyuk thinks. He doesn't say that out loud, but he does ask if he can hear more of Jooheon's songs. Jooheon says yes.

It's after that evening that Jooheon starts spending more time out of his room. It happens gradually, so that Minhyuk barely notices, but when he does notice, he's delighted. They even have movie nights and sometimes go out shopping together. Jooheon lets Minhyuk be the first one to hear his songs.

"Sing for me," Jooheon says one day. Minhyuk almost chokes on his pizza. He asks, what, and Jooheon smiles and says, "I think your voice would be perfect for the song I'm working on."

Minhyuk is too embarrassed to sing to him that night, but the next day he does, and Jooheon tells him that he sounds beautiful. Minhyuk laughs and waves it off, but doesn't refuse when Jooheon asks if he wants to sing that song he talked about.

The one song turns into two, and then three, and soon Minhyuk is the only one to sing to Jooheon's music. Soon, Jooheon says, that it's not only his music but Minhyuk's as well. He feels proud about it, _possessive_ , somehow. It's their thing. Their music. Minhyuk has never had something like that with anyone before.

They've been living together for seven months, working together on their music for four, when Jooheon asks if he can bring someone over. Minhyuk shrugs and says, sure. Jooheon has brought his friends to their place before, and so has Minhyuk. He doesn't think Jooheon has to ask.

The someone is a girl. Minhyuk doesn't think much about it. He's friends with a lot of girls as well.

He doesn't think much about it, but then Jooheon says that she's going to record a song for him. He says that her voice is something that fits that song the best. Minhyuk tries to understand, but he can't. He locks himself up in his own room for the rest of the day and doesn't talk to Jooheon the next morning, rushing out of the door to go his lesson without glancing back.

When he gets home, Jooheon asks him what's wrong. Minhyuk tries to hold himself back, but he's disappointed and angry, and he can't. He yells at Jooheon and goes to his own room to sulk. Jooheon doesn't follow him.

They start dating. Jooheon and that girl. Minhyuk doesn't know why he's even surprised, and even less he knows why he's still so angry and hurt. He doesn't act on it this time, though. He doesn't act on it, and Jooheon moves out of their apartment to live with her. He takes their music with him. Minhyuk doesn't even want to hear any of those songs anymore, anyway.

Years later, he finds Jooheon's instagram and finds out that he's engaged with the girl. He ponders sending a message to ask if Jooheon still keeps their songs somewhere, and if yes, maybe he could send them to Minhyuk. He never does that, though.

  
v.

Minhyuk is twenty-three and just graduated from university. Changkyun is eighteen and just graduated from high school. He's Jooheon's cousin.

There's a lot of similarities in between them, Minhyuk notices. Like the love for music, and the way they seem hard to approach. That's the first sign. The second sign that makes bells ring in Minhyuk's head is when Changkyun says, "I've heard about you from Jooheon." The third one is the fact that Changkyun is so young.

And Minhyuk tries to shake him off. He has gotten a new apartment and a new job, and he's doing great. He doesn't need a kid tailing after him everywhere he goes. But Changkyun won't let him go and Minhyuk has to admit to himself that in a way, it's cute.

He also likes that Changkyun gives him constant attention. He didn't realize before just how lonely he felt, being single at twenty-three while all of his friends are dating or even getting married. He thinks they can be friends. He can let Changkyun crash in his place sometimes. It's no big deal.

One day Changkyun asks Minhyuk if he can hear him sing. That Jooheon has told him Minhyuk has a beautiful voice. Minhyuk doesn't know how to react so he just tells Changkyun to _shut up, I'm not singing to you._

But Changkyun is clever and has figured Minhyuk out way too fast for the latter's liking. He brings Minhyuk out to a noraebang, swears that Minhyuk doesn't have to sing, he just wants to do that by himself. Minhyuk can just sit and listen.

That's what he swears, but then he buys beer for Minhyuk, and another one, and then a third one, and then Minhyuk is already eagerly grabbing the microphone from Changkyun's hands.

When they stumble back to Minhyuk's apartment, Changkyun lies onto the bed next to him and stares at him. "You sing well," he says. Minhyuk covers his mouth with his hand and hushes him.

"Don't talk about music," he says.

"What should I talk about, then?" Changkyun asks.

Minhyuk grunts. "Puppies," he says. Changkyun laughs, runs a hand through Minhyuk's hair, and says okay. Then he tells Minhyuk about a puppy his friend got a few weeks ago. Minhyuk closes his eyes and listens.

At some point Minhyuk realizes that instead of Jooheon, Changkyun reminds him more of someone else. Changkyun reminds him of Kihyun.

It takes him even longer to realize that it's because of the way Changkyun stares at him when he thinks Minhyuk doesn't notice. And Minhyuk thinks about that party and the closet and the way Kihyun said "I used to like you". He feels like crying.

"You're pretty," Changkyun tells him one day. He's sprawled all over Minhyuk's couch as if he lived there (he technically did) and Minhyuk is standing in the middle of the room, only wearing a bathrobe while drying his hair with a towel.

"You're cute," Minhyuk tells him, and watches from the corner of the eye how his smile gets even bigger.

Changkyun has a nice smile, and it seems to be even nicer when he directs it at Minhyuk. Minhyuk doesn't know what to think about that. He doesn't know what to think about anything.

Changkyun is so young and trusting, and somehow Minhyuk feels guilty. He wishes Changkyun didn't trust him so blindly and didn't look at him so openly, but at the same time, he likes it. He shouldn't, he thinks, but he barely has any friends who he meets often anymore since they all have other people to be with. Minhyuk doesn't have other people.

He only has Changkyun.

The realization of that hits him one night when he's alone and lonely and he's thinking of texting someone. He thinks of how all of his friends probably would only answer him in the morning, but Changkyun would _run_ to his apartment from his home if he just asked.

He doesn't want that. He doesn't want that for Changkyun.

Minhyuk lets go and pretends that he doesn't notice the hurt and confusion on Changkyun's face as he starts avoiding seeing him. He pretends he doesn't notice the hurt and confusion he feels himself every time he tells Changkyun that he's too busy or tired to hang out with him today.

He pretends he doesn't notice how sad he is when Changkyun finally lets go of him, as well.

  
\+ i.

Minhyuk is twenty-six and has lived in Seoul for two years. The apartment he lives in is the nicest one he's had yet, with a big kitchen and a large bathtub in the bathroom just by the bedroom. It's in the tenth floor, and the view from the balcony is amazing. He thinks he lives well.

Hyungwon is twenty-five and lives right next door. He's beautiful and wise, and warm as he slips under the covers to wrap his arms around Minhyuk. His hair tickles the back of Minhyuk's neck, and Minhyuk squirms until he gives up and rolls over so they are facing each other.

"Might as well just live here now," Hyungwon says, raspy and breathy and sleepy, and Minhyuk has never wanted to  kiss someone more in his entire life.

He has never wanted to kiss someone as much as he wants to kiss Hyungwon. And he has never _kissed_ anyone more times than he has kissed Hyungwon.

"Just move in," Minhyuk says. Hyungwon grunts but doesn't say anything else, so Minhyuk speaks up again. "I'm going to kiss you now."

"Go for it," Hyungwon says, and Minhyuk goes.

Hyungwon has dated several people before - has loved several people before. He has told Minhyuk about them. His first love, then the one who he only dated for a month, then the guy who had four cats who he probably liked more than he liked Hyungwon, the girl who liked writing poems, the guy with tattoos, the girl who moved to Europe, the guy who drank his coffee black. There are so many of them, and Minhyuk is amazed about it - about how much love Hyungwon has to give. He thinks it's beautiful.

Hyungwon is a model, and sometimes he has to go work abroad. While he's gone, Minhyuk goes to his apartment with his spare key and leaves the cheesiest notes in every room, steals one of his sweatshirts so he can sleep in it. One night, he stays at Hyungwon's apartment, huddling under his sheets. Hyungwon calls him and tells him what he's been up to. He says that the place is really nice and they should travel there some day, just the two of them.

"That sounds good," Minhyuk says. He listens to Hyungwon's breathing at the other end of the line for a minute before saying, "I'm sleeping in your bed."

Hyungwon laughs. "I knew you would do that," he says. "Maybe I really should move in with you."

"Yeah," Minhyuk says, "then I could sleep in your bed every night."

"Our bed," Hyungwon corrects him, and Minhyuk smiles so wide he feels like his face is going to tear in half.

Hyungwon does move in to Minhyuk's apartment when he comes back to Korea. His trip paid well and they buy almost completely new furniture for every room, bickering over what kind of a couch would fit the apartment the best. In the end, Hyungwon gets to choose the couch, and in turn Minhyuk buys a lot of useless stuff they don't really need but he swears would look pretty just sitting around.

"Isn't that my job?" Hyungwon asks, and Minhyuk attempts slapping the back of his head but misses as he dodges.

"I hate you," Minhyuk says, and Hyungwon nudges his side.

"No, you don't."

"Yeah, I don't," Minhyuk admits right away, swatting at Hyungwon's hand and attaching himself onto his arm just a second later. "I love you."

"I know," Hyungwon says, "I love you, too."

 

 

 

 


End file.
